...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
