Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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