I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
