Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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