Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
