Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
