you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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