Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
