Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
