bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
