mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
