i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Randomize
