I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
