shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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