It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
