the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
