So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
