the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
