It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
