dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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