there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Randomize
