Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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