he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
