You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
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we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
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How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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