Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
