More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
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We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
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You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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