I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
