Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
