You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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