I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
