You really coming over, don't trick.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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