The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.