I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
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he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
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I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'