You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
