Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
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We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
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Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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