some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
