i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
