hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
