the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
