well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
