Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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