I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
