They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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