Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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