My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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