end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
