There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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