Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
