Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
