What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
