textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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