You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
