so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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