you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
