I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
