i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
